I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
wrigley field is MILF paradise
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
