Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
