Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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