Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
