You smell like a Billy Joel song
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
is it fun? or sober?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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