he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
My life is pants optional.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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