Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
