dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
