I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
worst night to have a conscience
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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