Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
