After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
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