swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
