I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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