a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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