Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
