so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
