Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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