i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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