I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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