I hate your face
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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