god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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