Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
