i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
