Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
And then my night got REAL pukey
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
