you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Randomize
