I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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