She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
