I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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