My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
