Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm passing your future prison.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Randomize
