Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
