On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
