If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
