also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
