Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
