this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
