Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
