just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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