theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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