now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
