i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
