I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
