i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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