You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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