I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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