Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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