I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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