now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
So much Jack, so little girl.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
