That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
