Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
