he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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